Like Fetus Like Baby

After Wesley's birth, we were talking with the midwife when she asked if the baby had been an active or calm fetus. I replied that he had been extremely active and responsive in the womb. She smiled a knowing smile and said something to the effect of "expect a struggle at first, but once he gains control of his body and movements, you'll have an easier time while other parents begin pulling out their hair".

I smiled, not knowing whether to believe this woman or put the info in the same category of those who knew what gender the baby would be prior to birth. She had cared for many babies in the womb and then come to know them afterward, so perhaps she had some special knowledge. Certainly fetuses behave differently from one another, but how could she know what he'd be like on the outside?

The idea of him mastering locomotion beyond rooting for milk pointed to a distant future far away from the tiny creature in my arms. A future I couldn't yet imagine.

But we have arrived. It seems she may have been right. Wesley was not the easiest newborn. He wasn't the Buddha Baby snuggle in your arms fall asleep at the drop of a hat kinda guy. He needed a lot of assistance as he strained, trying to master his body and falling short. He wanted to stand not sit, to move not stay, and to touch not see the world, and he wanted it all so badly. He was often frustrated with his limitations.

Emptying the tea drawer

Now, much of the tension has dissipated. He scampers across the room, he adventures, and he is on the go. It feels like a pressure valve was released. He seems more joyful and happy. Even as he pushes the boundaries of his current capabilities by letting go when standing, pushing toys back and forth, climbing on top of objects and pulling onto other objects, he is more at ease.

I love this new phase. I love watching how happy he is to play independently and occasionally glance over at me with a smile of accomplishment, or to flash a mischievous look as he dashes away to the shoe rack, hoping I will catch him so we can do it all over again. And with his new capabilities he has also become more snugly. He spends more time out of our arms, but comes over and takes quick snuggles more frequently. He has taken to putting his cheek next to our cheeks, so very sweet.

This is a very fun stage. Wesley enthusiastically loves the work that he does all day long--climbing, and pulling things, and crawling with his tiny ball in his hand which he raps on various furniture items, knocking down block towers, and ripping magazines, emptying drawers and surfaces of their contents, playing chase and be chased, playing catch, babbling and dog watching.

Of course there are some new frustrations that come with Wesley's increased mobility. He is more frequently redirected from things he can't have and this leads to upset. Wes has started breaking down in loud screams when the dogs on the street begin to walk away from him. And diaper changes, well, they're reeeeaaaally hard for everyone.

But he is generally a happy adventurer, providing plenty of entertainment to his onlookers. I am so pleased to see him enjoying himself so much. Parenting has entered a new level of fun.

Watching the landscaper

The midwife was right. I am happy that Wesley reached certain physical milestones early, because it has brought him comfort. His struggle and will to persevere and overcome the limitations of his body has paid off.

Flashbacks Pull Forward

There are moments when I am mothering Wesley that I have vivid flashbacks to my own childhood. As he gets older, they seem to be coming more frequently. They are not average memories, but visceral ones where sensation is vivid, as if being relived.

I pour cupfulls of water over his back in the bath. I can remember anticipating the warm water rolling over my shoulders, how it felt flooding over my back. I remember thinking that my parents were so good at keeping it out of my eyes as I leaned my head back to have my hair rinsed. Warm, soothing relaxation.



I stroke tiny wisps of hair around his ears. I am transported to Illinois, my Mom sitting on the side of my bed, stroking my hair to help me sleep. I feel how softly she brushes it, sometimes back, sometimes behind my ear, it feels like the touch of silk lulling me. I can remember the confusion of awakening after drifting off to sleep, shocked that my Mom is no longer at my side. Is this why Wesley screams when he awakens?

I carry him from the stroller after a jog. I have the vague awareness of my Dad lifting me from the car, sometimes a notion of going up stairs, and the feeling of knowing I was being taken care of.

Will Wesley remember these things? The tiny moments we parents may forget even happened get imprinted in the child's mind. Wesley notices the awnings flapping in the wind, the dog who is nearly out of sight, the string of loose carpet in the corner. He will likely remember parts of our daily routines, but he will also remember the little happenings, unexpected moments.

Did my parents love these moments? Did they feel as if they were showering me with adoration and security as they did it, or was the caring act enough in itself? They probably couldn't imagine the comfort I feel even now as I remember the events.

Being a parent sparks memories of our own childhoods, encourages us to revisit them. More than a simple act of remembering, I am connecting to a physical memory of childhood in a way I had rarely experienced before parenthood. It is as if the moments are imprinted in my body and are accessed through my mothering Wesley. 

These vivid memories connect Wesley to my childhood, to my parents who were nurtured when they were young, and to family members preceding them. Generations who have parented, who have kept their babies warm, who have carried their sleeping ones, who have played the same games and sung the same songs. Generations who in these acts, have imparted knowledge about how to be cared for, and thus, how to become a caretaker.

Is this how I know how to parent? Maybe the knowledge is stored in my body, in my memories, to access when I need it. I pour the cup of water over my baby's shoulder's to keep him warm just as my parents for me and their parents for them. Each act may not flash me back to childhood, but much of what I do may have its origins there.

Perhaps the acts of my parents, along with my own 28 years of growth and individuation, and a bit of biological instinct are what constitutes my motherly intuition. This idea draws me backwards in time. I feel a deepening connection to the generations of mothers who came before me.

Thank you Mom and Dad for the endless hours of love and support you have given me and which you continue to provide. Thank you for the influence you had in the formation of my motherly intuition which I trust so fully, which guides me daily. I love you.

Thank you Grandma for the love and support you showed my Mom as a child and which continue you show us all. My mom's amazing mothering skills and your incredible nurturing abilities are much of the reason I have such confidence in my mothering.

Thank you to Casey's parents for your part in the ease with which Casey fathers so well.

I do not mean to imply I never struggle as a mother, never question what to do or if I am doing the best I can, but rather, I wish to express that there is a quality of knowing how to mother for which I am grateful.

Month 8

Month 8 flew by.

Except for the rough end with the scary sickness, Month 8 was a fun month. I was continually amazed at Wesley's quick increase in mobility and play/engagement.

The Fifteenth snuck up on me for the first time since Wesley's birth.

Wes has become proficient in crawling (fast) and pulling up (everywhere) and cruising. I love watching him hard at work as he pulls up on his little car, plays with the toys on it, and pulls and pushes it around. He's started pushing it as a walker, though he only pushes it a few steps forward at a time.

He loooves food. He likes to eat it and help with the spoon.

He understands no but often doesn't listen and increases speed in the banned direction, which is a new ability.

He has developed notable passion for the freedom brought by his new mobility. Sometimes he gets an idea on one side of the room, crawls across the room, out the room and in to the second bedroom to play with something he remembered. A new phase of exploration. It tickles me to see him adventuring into his independence in this fashion.

He has faces which he knows are funny, so he likes to make them. He crinkles his nose and inhales and exhales loudly through his nose when he's excited or thinks something is funny. When someone laughs he continues to ham it up. He has a tough little guy look sometimes.

He's getting even more vocal. Toward the end of the month he's started this sweet and heartbreaking little "da-da-da-da-ya-da-da-ga" thing when he's upset.

Our great friend and Wesley's Godfather, Steve, came and visited us from Fairfield, Iowa. It was amazing to have him here. Wesley of course loved him, and it did me good to see Steve again. I get fueled up and inspired when I talk with Steve, and seeing him was even better.

First Sickness

Wesley got sick.
We don't know how, but he did.
Was it the playdates?
Was it one of the many sick, coughing people we try to avoid on the street or in the stores?
Can I put him in a bubble to keep him safe?

After a day of discomfort, Wes woke last Friday night with a high fever. We gave him Tylenol and had a fitful night sleep. The next day, Wesley woke up sick. Casey went to work and Grandma D came over to help. I can't express the massive relief I felt when she said she'd come right away. It was so good have her there to help advise, reassure, and navigate the rough day that it was. It was a scary prospect to have to make decisions having never seen a baby illness before. Knowing that she had cared for babies with fevers was comforting.

We went to the doctor's office in the morning. Wes was feeling better due to Tylenol. They said he'd be fine. He was alert and less fussy than he had been earlier that morning. They said his rash was eczema. We kept checking in with the nurse throughout the day. She was concerned at his worsening condition. His fever went up again. We gave baths. Tylenol sort of worked, then seemed to not be working. We got a new thermometer, didn't know how to operate it and freaked when it said 104 degrees. We wondered if we needed to go to the ER. They said wait. We took another bath.

Casey came home. Wesley was relieved to be with him. We went on a walk and Wes got the only 20 minutes of sleep he'd had that day. Tired, sick baby. Maybe getting better? Grandma D went home.

Short nap, awakens with 103.7 temperature. Nurse tells us to go to the ER at 6pm on a Saturday night.

We go. Best ER visit ever. Very few people in the waiting room. Nicest staff imaginable. "treatment begins in 30 minutes or less" guarantee at our Hospital. And it was true. The doctor was informative, helpful, and reassuring. Wesley's temp had gone down by the time we arrived. The doctor said that because of some telltale signs (which he innumerated) he was pretty confident it was a virus which would run its course. We felt better, though still worried. Still a sick baby, but he fell asleep on the way home.


Fortunately, it was Casey's weekend. A couple days pass with an uncomfortable, restless baby. Poor, suffering baby. One rash fades and another appears. More stress about if it's the same sickness going away, if it is some other irritant, or some new thing, but Wes seems to be improving. He sleeps a lot, starts to feel better, and I rest with him. I was deeply exhausted.



Then, on St. Patrick's Day, our happy, healthy, playful, get-into-every corner of the house catch-me-if-you-can baby reemerged. My chest lifted in relief, in appreciation, in painfully exuberant joy that he is feeling better.


For a while I was in post-shock recovery. It was so intense being there, with Wesley, my baby who would scream the second I wasn't holding him and who would thrash restlessly in my arms. But the screams didn't bother me, I wished only to alleviate the pain. I'd be in the moment with him, then my mind would flicker to fears of what if the fever didn't go down, of the possible paths of the illness, of what the Tylenol was doing to his liver, of his poor little cells which were so hot, of if I should have kept him home instead of going to the grocery, if he's too little to play with others, though he adores it. But, it was easy to mostly stay present with him, to give the comfort and nurturing he so clearly needed.

Parenting is caring for another person's life--for their health and safety. A sick child throws that duty into new relief. The variables we cannot control, and those we can. The delicate nature of their bodies, and its robust ability to heal. The limits of their coping mechanisms and the power of just being present with them in discomfort. My limitations of not being able to help him, not just in little daily acts of reassurance, but in potentially life-threatening situations.

I don't consider myself an overprotective mom (though, the daughter of an infectious disease specialist, I aaaam borderline paranoid about germs), but during that fever we couldn't lower I felt very scared, very powerless. I understand the seductive quality of wanting to put your baby in a bubble. I retreat to that fantasy sometimes, but it quickly dissipates as unrealistic and undesirable.


Last Saturday was one of the most intense days in my life, even though throughout most of it, I was pretty sure he was going to be okay...

Now I watch him run around, so healthy and strong, and I feel so blissful...

Mommy Tip: Double Wake-up

Drink Your Coffee in the Shower

It warms you from the outside in and the inside out.

In college it was novel to drink a beer in the shower from time to time. This is the mommy equivilant. It is very pleasing, and comes highly recommended.



Benefits:

• Time Saver. Otherwise, you may not get both.
• Prevents babies from complaining that they want to play with your cup, instead of your drinking from it.
• The coffee-shower combonation creates a power-up effect exponentially stronger than each one in isolation.

Skill Surge

While Wesley's growth continually builds, there are periods of slower prep and then bursts where many skills come to fruition at once. For months he has been working toward the onslaught of new abilities attained this past week. Utilizing my advanced MBA skills, I have provided visual representation of this concept.

Each time one of these skill surges occurs, I am a step or two behind. We have to readjust, and I inevitably fail for a couple of days. There is extra crying, there is frustration, there is less than needed and different than normal sleep, and confusion abounds. We are a little haggard from the experience, but then we have a day of napping together, and we find a nice rhythm again, and get synched up in the flow of continual change.

Crawling and pulling up has been such a surge. We are now cruising merrily along with new adventures, explorations, and lots of concentrated and joyful work each day.

In the first days of Month 5 Wes inchwormed, then didn't again for three weeks. He strained for weeks, flapped his arms for months. Then finally he lifted one hand, ahhh something new, less than a week later he lifted one knee. One day all of a sudden he was scooting, then the next day--crawling. Key clicks into place, and he's off.

Last Tuesday when Casey left for work, Wesley was only crawling a few crawls forward and then switching to scooting. He was screaming with every move of a limb as if being tortured. He was just starting to pull up on things other than people.

One week later, as Casey left for work, Wesley crawled after him across the living room, no screams. He's pulling up on everything, playing with his toys while standing up, working on improving his cruising skills, and is exploring the areas he could never reach. He can pop right up into standing on the couch or the bookshelves. Now his primary screams of frustration are that he can't yet climb to the third shelf of the bookcase (he can just reach it and look up and whine) or that he's not allowed to play with some things in the room.

He tries to turn corners of the bookshelf, leap from one piece of furniture to the other--he is a daredevil.

He does things now like pull up and hold on with one hand while he leans over to play with a toy with the other hand. As if he didn't just start the standing thing a couple days prior.

When cruising, sometimes he is very careful because he is aware that he is executing a complicated manuever, other times he has little concern for falling or bumping his head. We spot him carefully, because he hasn't yet developed body awareness of his limits with these new skills. His crawling speed has increased to the point that we can't leave the room for more than a moment or he'll be in a different place than when we left. I imagine his speed will increase rapidly in weeks to come.

The progress has been fast. It took about two days for each piece of furniture to be mastered. I love watching him scoot close, put his hands on the furniture, scoot sideways, reposition, sit up, scoot forward, then grab on with both hands, scoot back, take a different grip, then when he thinks it's just right, he manpowers his way up (the kid has the upper body strength of a rockclimber). Then he sees something else while standing and works on cruising toward it.

His crawling and pulling up both came together at the same time. It may be because crawling enabled him to explore new areas of the room, some of which required climbing. Perhaps a coordination-strength threshold was passed. Within a day both skills surged forward in synch as he understood something new about how his legs and arms could work in tandem.

Wesley spends so much time playing, and it is great fun to play with him. If he sees we're doing something fun across the room, he crawls over. If I'm on the floor he hurries over to pull up on me, clammors all over, all the while smiling with delight. I marvel at him standing confidently playing with his toys. He looks so tiny and capable. Such a busy little baby, now with more than a hint of little boy shining through.

Seven Months Crawling

Watch out world, here comes Wes.

His noises have a fierce new power and pitch.

He crawls when he puts his mind to it, but is none too happy about the process.

He pulls up on furniture sometimes, and is sure to use you as a stepping stool.



He has two fierce teeth and isn't afraid to chomp.


Our busy little guy is crawling and pulling up now. He doesn't seem to particularly enjoy crawling. In fact, he screams the entire time he does it (even when successful). This seems like odd behavior, but it must be hard and frustrating for him. So far, he only crawls short distances, and then switches to scooting.

Wes has been spending a lot of time playing and working on his mobility skills. He easily goes forward into crawling position, grabs a toy, and then goes back up to sitting. He sometimes skips naps to do his work. Also, he got many new toys from when my parents visited, so he is busy mastering them.


My parents visited! They arrived on my 28th Birthday. My Mom baked me a cake and made me a birthday dinner. Having them here was amazing. It was touching to see them playing with Wesley. He Looooved them and thought they were so fun. It felt great to have them here with us. So very good and right.

My 28th Birthday Celebrations

During their time here, Wesley advanced from having a hard time getting from his tummy his knees, to getting up into the position reguarly. He started cross-crawling (one hand, then opposite knee) at the very end of their visit, though it was primarily one crawl forward and two pushes backward. He practically pushed himself out of the room on one occasion.

We also had two college friends visit separately. Wesley enjoyed their company, too. It was a treat to have them stay with us.

Despite loving all the playmates who stopped through, in many ways Wesley has had a difficult month. The first half of the month his teeth just tortured him. He sucked on many frozen washcloths, teethed on everything imaginable, got an Amber Teething necklace, and I drank a lot of camomile tea. For now, his teeth are feeling better. Two teeth in two weeks was a difficult task.

The second half of the month has been challenging with discomfort when crawling. He has so much frustration at not being able to get to his goal, and he works so hard. Also, though we try many cute tricks, Wesley hates being on his back and screams at diaper changes and when getting dressed. We have taken to frequently changing his diaper when he is sitting or standing up (leaning on us). This sort of works.


This month has also been full of sweet playtime and Wesley has astounded me with how much he as accomplished. He is so focused and determined and he has an insatiable curiosity. He is gaining new skills like playing the xylophone & making banging noises, and using tools like blocks to knock down towers of blocks, discovering the absolute joy of eating, and many others. He has done so much this month.

We also had several playdates with Louie & Staci. Wesley warmed up to Louie. At one play session, Wes thought Louie was about the funniest thing he'd ever seen. Wes really wanted to touch his head, but also didn't know what to do with him once he was up close and personal. On several occasions they scared each other by being too loud when expressing their excitement, or by getting too close. It is interesting to see Wes becoming socialized. He keeps his eye on Louie, and often makes a nervous noise when watching, but is very interested.